Beta readers are a trip.

I’m not a complete dunce. Well. I might be. But I like to think I saw at least some of this coming.

A couple weeks ago I put out a call for beta readers for Closer on Paper and got one or two people who signed up — which was perfect, exactly what I wanted. Then I posted about it on Instagram, and let’s just say it became my most-commented post of all time. Career milestone! Sort of.

Here’s the thing. I understand that beta reading takes time. You have to read the book, write down your thoughts, organize them into something useful, and hand that feedback back. That’s real work. If you want to get paid for it — fantastic. Genuinely. But be upfront about that.

Don’t slide into my DMs, ask for a bunch of info, sign up to read, return two chapters, and then ask for money for the rest. Beta reading isn’t drugs. There’s no “first one’s free” to get me hooked. I’m not going to read your two-chapter sample, feel the shakes set in, and start selling my Blood Bowl minis to afford chapter three.

And another thing^{he said while waving one finger in the air} — if you are selling yourself as a beta reader, you should, for sure, write in complete sentences. How am I supposed to trust your notes on my novel when every message you send is a crime scene of typos and missing words? Most_{okay, all} browsers have spell check. It’s right there. It’s free. It’s begging you.

The best part? The ten accounts that messaged me average about twenty followers each. Post counts down in the single digits. And the posts — because of course I looked — are all stock photo plus a vaguely writing-related caption. Nothing I couldn’t generate with AI in fifteen minutes and a profound lack of shame.

All that aside: I also got seven genuinely good reads on my first couple of chapters. A few were a little too glowing — I’m not that good, please be normal — but most handed me feedback I can actually use as I keep writing and editing this thing. Those seven people are why I’d do it all again, scam DMs and all.

So here’s the whole lesson, free of charge (unlike chapters three onward, apparently): if you’re going to charge me for a service, open with that. Lead with the price. Otherwise it just feels like a con, and I’m out before you finish your pitch.

This is, by the way, the first of a few posts about the gloriously chaotic business of trying to be an author with a brain like mine and a deep refusal to hand Amazon my money. Stick around.

Stay weird, proofread your DMs, and for the love of god, lead with the price.