I need to talk about grapes.

Not in a “here’s a recipe” way or a “let me tell you about the health benefits of antioxidants” way. I just need someone to acknowledge that grapes are candy. They are literally candy that grows on a vine and somehow we all just agreed that they’re a health food.

You can eat an entire bag of grapes in one sitting and not only does nobody judge you, people are impressed. “Oh wow, you’re so healthy.” No. I just ate what is essentially a pound of Skittles that happen to have a skin. The only difference between a grape and a Sour Patch Kid is that one of them has a publicist.

Green grapes are the best and I will not be taking questions. They’ve got that tartness, that little bit of bite — almost spicy if you get a good batch. They snap when you bite them. A red grape is fine. A red grape is pleasant. A green grape has opinions.

That said I love all grapes. Black grapes, red grapes, cotton candy grapes (which are just grapes that stopped pretending and fully committed to the bit), those tiny champagne grapes that make you feel like a giant eating normal grapes. All of them. Every grape.

They do need to be cold though. A room temperature grape is a tragedy. A warm grape is just a raisin that hasn’t given up yet. You take that bag out of the fridge, the grapes are cold and firm and they crack when you bite into them and it’s over. That’s the whole experience right there. A cold grape out of the fridge is one of the top five sensory experiences available to a human being and I am not exaggerating even a little bit.

The fact that I can walk into a grocery store, buy a bag of what is functionally nature’s candy, and my wife doesn’t even raise an eyebrow because it’s “fruit” is the greatest scam in the history of produce. Meanwhile if I come home with a bag of gummy bears it’s a whole conversation.

Grapes figured it out. Grapes are living the dream.