Victim

Yesterday I was attacked. Physically attacked. I am not going to go into the details of that as the investigation is ongoing. What I want to delve into is the feelings I am currently experiencing.

Aside from being pissed off, I am shocked. In my world, my nice little naive world, people don’t attack people. I know this is not true, because I have the internet and I read about the horrible things people do to other people, but in my world this is not something that happens. I live in a comfortable world where everyone talks about problems and we find solutions. People don’t just attack other people.

I am hurting, both physically and mentally. My body is bruised, and I am still finding new marks left by my attacker. It is sad that he is now my attacker. Not anyone elses, mine. Mentally I think I have some weird shit going on. I am a victim.

I am not worried about this happening again. I will be going through life knowing this can happen. Because it already happened. Maybe this is a good thing. And maybe, since I like to think I am adaptable, I will be able to turn this experience into a positive one.

How does one move past this feeling? I am a forgiving person and yet this feels like something that I can never look past. Luckily it wasn’t someone close to me, basically a stranger, but I feel anger in my heart that I can’t let go. I don’t understand the why of the situation. Why couldn’t we just talk? Why did you have to make it physical?

I wish I was a comic book character so I could become a superhero and fight away all the injustice in the world. I would like to think that this experience will make me more aware of this possibility without it affecting how I work with people.

This event has shown me, at a very personal level, that our actions directly affect those around us. By attacking me this person has created a ripple through my life, changing me in ways that I don’t understand. I am sure that this action has affected his life in ways I will never know.

How do I punch through? My current solution is to watch all of the hobbit movies released so far(already done), followed by the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I will also be eating desserts in a more abnormal quantity. I know I need to talk to someone but it is really hard to do. I almost feel ashamed of what happened. I think my brain would have an easier time if I just accepted that somehow it was my fault that I was attacked. But I won’t think that. I won’t accept that.

I realize that I am lucky. The attack could have been so much worse. I could have more than a strained shoulder and bruises. I think that I am glad that it was me that was attacked instead of other people. I would rather experience this pain than inflict it on other people.

I have always said that I am a pacifist. And this attack showed me how true that is. I did not react with violence. I just walked away and called the police. How other people can fall back to violence as a means of communication is beyond me.

Everybody that reads this: please keep peace with you, don’t use violence to solve your problems.

Thanks