I have always been disappointed with my apparent lack of super powers. What fun is life without the ability to do extraordinary things like teleport or turn invisible. The only ability that I seem to posses it being able to recognize the make and model of cars by the position of their tail and headlights or their shape. For some reason instant car recognition has failed to gain me membership into any of the superhero groups.
You might blame this feeling of injustice on the fact that I have been playing superhero tabletop games or on that I am reading the Wildcards series or my recent interest in comic books. Since I am not going to become a superhero on my natural abilities I have come up with three plans to recreate myself into a superhero.
- Eat Lots of Food
This is probably the most enjoyable and also the easiest of all the plans, so I will try it first. What I am going to do is start eating foods that contain the most preservatives, genetically modified material and hormones. The theory is that all of those extra things added to our food could potentially make us more susceptible to disease or create super viruses. I figure that if there is a chance that these foods will create a super virus there has to be an equal chance that they will turn me into a super hero. I may end up being the Fruit Roll-Up Avenger, which would allow me to sale edible action hero toys, but at least I will have super powers.
- At Home Cybernetics
This plan involves using my very basic knowledge of human anatomy and electronics to make myself into a cyborg. Since I don’t have access to high quality materials I will probably have to make my armor out of pots and pans, my most effective weapon being a kitchen aid mixer connected to my arm. The way I look at it even if I am not able to outright stop crimes I will be able to scar them for life and possibly scare them straight. There is a high probability that in doing this plan I will injure myself permanently forcing myself into a wheelchair for the rest of my life.
- Amazing Mental Powers
If the other two plans fail to make me into a superhero chances are that I will be a morbidly obese man stuck in a wheelchair. This means that the only option left will be to increase my already stellar mental abilities. Rather then spend my time losing weight and healing myself I will instead focus on telekinesis and mind control. Through advanced study on the Internet I will be able to learn how to control people’s mind through hypnosis. When stopping crime I will have the advantage of being in a wheelchair. Because what kind of person hits a guy in a wheelchair.
There you go, three foolproof plans to become a superhero.