Broken15 May 2014
Losing Thomas broke me.
I am sure this seems ridiculous to some people and if you are one of those people stop reading.
Loss is always hard. Losing people, animals or other important parts of your life will fuck you up. I always think in the back of my mind that since I have experienced animal related tragedy often in my life that it would make it easier. It didn’t.
I am more of an adult now so I am able to get out of bed, not spend a lot of time weeping and generally make it through the day. This isn’t always easy for me.
I have been unable to write. I mean I am writing this post so obviously I can still write but I don’t have the passion in my writing that I once did. I am sure it will come back but I don’t know when.
Apparently Thomas was my writing buddy.
I have stopped making breakfast. Usually I cook breakfast for Sarah and I. Eggs and oatmeal were common. During this time I would hang out with Thomas. He would give me kisses and I would pet him or hold him or just chat with him. Now I have a hard time being in the kitchen.
[caption id=”attachment_1822” align=”aligncenter” width=”225”] Muffin Time[/caption]
I can’t eat chocolate chip muffins anymore. That is the weirdest thing. Thomas was a strange cat and we would share sweets. He liked chocolate chip muffins(not the chips, just the muffin bits), vanilla wafers and most breads. And since he was my pal I would share with him.
The other day we went to the Human Being to get our usual. I wasn’t going to get a muffin but I decided to get one because they are so tasty. I got it at 6 am-ish and didn’t eat it until closer to noon. I couldn’t bring myself to open the muffin since I didn’t have my little friend to share it with.
There are constant little things that push me into sadness. Thomas would sit on my lap or next to me during most of my normal activities at home. So all of those activities are missing something.
I am sure that I will move on from this. I am a human being and therefore I am adaptable. At some point the ball of sadness that resides in my heart will make its way to my brain and will just become part of the memories that I have of Thomas.
The nice thing is that I have 10+ years of good memories of Thomas and only a few weeks of sad memories. I know that at some point there will be another animal that resides in the spot of my heart occupied by Thomas. My heart is broken, but it will repair itself as it always has.
Do I regret loving Thomas as much as I did? Not at all. That cat helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. He was my constant companion when Sarah was sick. He was a little ball of fur when I needed a little ball of fur. I told him how I was feeling. He caught my tears and didn’t mind. He was he best.
He will be missed.